Ginger Goat Farm

Recovery - (Nearly) Three Years Later

It’s nearly unfathomable to me that it will be 3 years since my car accident next month.

It happened 2 days before Hurricane Matthew. Boy that was NOT a fun time. I think I’ll write a story about that next.

Looking back, the accident seems SO long ago, a LOT longer than just 3 years. I think about all I went through: the surgery, the legal battle with the insurance companies, the pain pills (ALL those pain pills, Percs, Oxys, Soma, Lyrica, Robaxin, Valium, etc.), physical therapy, acupuncture, therapeutic massages…and the alternative therapies I also sought in my desperation to provide me with some relief (I know some people think acupuncture is an alternative therapy, but I “went there.” Oh, yes I did. I did crystals, homeopathy, herbal concoctions, meditation, I even sought out the advice of a medium.).

Don’t you even dare judge me! When you are in such misery that ALL of your energy–mental, spiritual, physical–is consumed by unrelenting, all-consuming chronic pain, you will try ANY-thing or go to ANY-one that offers you any sliver of relief.

However, when I think about the past three years–and not in the perspective of the car accident and its aftermath–they just flew by. I don’t exactly know how to explain it. I do know I am a much better person than I was before this calamity even happened. I am gaining a stronger sense of who I am and what I do (and don’t) want to do with my life. My relationship with my partner is more solid and I appreciate him so much more as my ally and as a deeply caring human being. I especially value my friends and family that stuck by me and wouldn’t let me go down the “rabbit hole” (and have left behind those people who really weren’t very good for [or nice to] me, for whatever reason. No hard feelings, though; just moving on.).

Nonetheless, even as my body is SLOWLY returning to what it used to be (within limits–no more running [*sniff sniff*] or roller coasters or ziplining or bumpy ATV/bike rides–which I am totally bummed about) my mind is having a tougher time recovering. I don’t know really how to explain it. I’m not sure if I am mourning the person I used to be or if I am apprehensive about the person I am becoming.

I know now that I am a MUCH more empathetic person; I truly listen to and care about others’ circumstances. I know I am not alone. I also take my time, whereas I used to rush, rush, rush everywhere; I don’t anymore–I don’t need to, I don’t have to, I don’t WANT to. Now, I sometimes just go outside, close my eyes, and take a deep breath and listen to the crickets or smell the jasmine…or whatever.

However, I do–at times–have a nagging sense of sadness that follows me around. Most of the time, I can just push it away or shake it off, but not always. It affects my concentration and can consume me. I guess the “fancy” word for this condition is called melancholy–such a pretty word for such a sad place.

Melancholy:

- a constitutional tendency to be gloomy and depressed

- type of mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity

According to what I understand (and read on the Internet), being melancholy originated from something pretty nasty. Back in the day, people thought that body secretions–called humors–determined their feelings. So sad people were thought to have too much melancholy–or black bile–oozing from their spleens. Pretty graphic and grisly, right?

Well, I do know that I am not secreting black bile from anywhere, but at times, I can be in a “funk” that is extremely difficult to escape and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t concentrate so, I can’t read. I want to write, but I can’t focus. I think of all the things I want to do with my life and I just feel paralyzed and powerless to do anything.

I am now realizing that recovery from trauma can be one of life’s greatest challenges and stretches way beyond the physical. The body and the mind both have great healing capacities and the ability to become stronger, together. I have been working on my physical health and have neglected my mental well-being. I am accepting the fact that I went through a very stressful experience and I need to some help with my mental fortitude.

Having mental fortitude requires patience, creativity, exploration and I don’t exactly know how to do it and I am seeking help. I have to redefine who I am and figure out what I want now, because like it or not, my life has changed (and is changing) and I need to accept this fact. I need an “attitude adjustment.”

not the kind of adjustment that I used to get when I was a teenager–you know those kind–a knuckle sandwich, haha 

I must learn how to replace my wistful thinking with hopeful thinking. My attitude is the result of the thoughts I have allowed to run through my mind; progress is not built on skeptical thinking. I am learning that it is easier to stay positive when I approach solutions (and not focus on problems) one step at a time–no matter how small the steps may seem. My goal is to be an even better person–mentally, spiritually, physically–than I was 3 years ago…however long it takes.

September 23rd 2019
Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.
Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky
March 6th 2019
<p>Dinnertime at Ginger Goat Farm.</p>

Dinnertime at Ginger Goat Farm.

July 10th 2018
<p>After an extremely (and unexpectedly) long hiatus, Ginger & Goat are setting the wheels in motion back on the Farm. It’s been one hell of a ride to get here (recovery sucks and it always takes longer than expected), but we made it!</p>

<p>Stay tuned over the next few weeks and months as we once again attempt to “live the dream”…with all the animals (like these girls) and honestly, a whole new perspective. I’ve never been more grateful to shovel poop in the sweltering summer heat.</p>

After an extremely (and unexpectedly) long hiatus, Ginger & Goat are setting the wheels in motion back on the Farm. It’s been one hell of a ride to get here (recovery sucks and it always takes longer than expected), but we made it!

Stay tuned over the next few weeks and months as we once again attempt to “live the dream”…with all the animals (like these girls) and honestly, a whole new perspective. I’ve never been more grateful to shovel poop in the sweltering summer heat.

July 5th 2018

Recovery--A Dark and Lonely Place to Be

Have you ever been a car accident? Most probably–I am going to guess–you have. A fender bender, maybe, or quite possibly something more serious. Well so have I. I have been in quite a few “fender benders” over the course of my lifetime; some were my fault, other times, they were somebody else’s. But the typical outcome was someone was cited (or not) and my (or someone else’s) insurance rates went up.

Well, six months ago I was in an accident that was so life-threatening that I was whisked away to a hospital in an ambulance. My injuries were so potentially serious, that my head was immobilzed to a gurney and the rest of my body was strapped down so I couldn’t move. Not that it mattered. That ambulance drove over every pothole and bump on the 10 mile trek to the hospital. Looking back, I think it actually would have hurt less if they would have let me sit up (and at least talked to me).

Anyway, I don’t want to get too much into the whole hospital, insurance, medical bills, legal bills, etc., etc., headaches (literally and figuratively) I had–and continue to have–regarding this whole nightmare.

Long story, short. I had to have surgery 2 ½ months later. For all intents and purposes, my neck broke and within just weeks of the accident, I quickly lost control of my fingers, then my arms…then it started in my legs (and my bladder)…let alone the crushing head-, neck-, and upper backaches I was experiencing.

I had no choice BUT surgery. My other choice was sitting in front of a computer all day, binge watching Netflix (because I didn’t have the strength, or the wherewithal to read, let alone hold a book or iPad) buzzed out on Percocet, Valium…whatever. Now, this might sound like a “dream” life to some people, but as a Professor, Farmer, and all around active person, I can attest that it really sucks.

However, I don’t want to get to much into all of that; it just depresses me. I want to discuss the worst part…the recovery. The dark and lonely place you experience–personally and professionally–on that long, painful (and hopefully full) recovery.

Yes, initially, so many friends, family, and work colleagues are “there” for you. They send you cards, flowers, and sometimes food. Don’t get me wrong, it’s so very nice, and appreciated, but after awhile–like maybe a week or so–it’s business as usual. And, I guess–no, I know–that is to be expected. But you know what? My pain hasn’t gone away. It’s chronic. I hurt all the time. Everyday. All day. I still take pain medication–not as much as I used to–but I still have to to get through the day (and sleep through the night)

Yes, the pain is no where NEAR where it used to be. I can (sometimes) work for a few hours a day, but if I overdo it, I pay. Dearly. You see, I am a Professor, and luckily, I work from home (and a Farmer, but I know that work will be a long time from now [hopefully]) and my students need, want, and deserve feedback from me. That’s my job. I teach graduate students. My students are serious about their studies and read and contemplate the feedback and guidance I provide. THAT’S MY JOB and I take it seriously.

In fact, this post took me 3 hours to type with, probably, about 40 backspaces and retypes because I don’t have complete control of my fingers yet, and my arms and fingers are now numb/ache, probably for the rest of the day.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to communicate to you–

not whine about my circumstances, I promise, because honestly, I am hopeful for a full recovery (even though it is taking WAY longer than I anticipated. I am looking at a year +, at least, to not be in daily chronic pain [and I have, begrudgingly accepted it])

–if you have a work colleague or a friend or a family member who is experiencing chronic pain, check in on them once in awhile. Just say, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you.” Because I can just bet you, they are not bitching about their pain and probably the depression they are also experiencing because of it. They have their head down and they are plowing through what they have to do.

But I can also just bet you when they go home at night, or no one is looking, they are probably crying. If not tears from their eyes, it’s tears in their heart.

Chronic pain pain is a dark and lonely place to be, regardless of how many people are around you. If you know or work with someone who is in chronic pain,

and it’s probably NOT the person who is bitching about how much they hurt all the time–ignore those people

don’t avoid them, don’t neglect them, be present for them. Help them, even in the tiniest possible ways.

You know, I’m probably one of the LUCKY ones; my chronic pain will–eventually (again, hopefully)–fade away, but for all of those other people out there in the world living, working, moving in the world among us in chronic pain, I can honestly express with all of my heart and soul, understand and empathize with you and I will never, ever avoid or neglect you ever again.

March 6th 2017
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January 31st 2017
I have apples that have been in my refrigerator longer than Brock Turner has been in jail. Seriously.
September 2nd 2016
<p>Went on a long car ride with the dogs this morning and saw THIS when I turned around…</p>

<p>Don’t tell me they don’t love each other.</p>

Went on a long car ride with the dogs this morning and saw THIS when I turned around…

Don’t tell me they don’t love each other.

August 31st 2016
<p>Check it out…my first watermelon of the season!!! Hooray.</p>

Check it out…my first watermelon of the season!!! Hooray.

August 4th 2016
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August 1st 2016



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